Nobody Said It Was Easy

I was listening to my ipod on shuffle the other day, and Coldplay’s “The Scientist” started playing.  I remembered purchasing the sheet music on Musicnotes a few years ago, and decided to learn it again.  The cover sounds very rusty, and I’ll probably end up reposting a better version after I work on it for another day or two.

I really love this song… even though it’s pretty depressing.  It’s a bit comforting to listen to something that’s close to what your heart is experiencing at moment.

Coldplay – The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Coldplay – The Scientist (Cover)

Mid-20s Crisis

 

My 27th is just around the corner… and I can’t be more acutely aware of my age than I am right at this moment.  It’s probably stupid to complain about transitioning from my mid-20s to my late-20s since it isn’t THAT much of a change and it isn’t like I’ve reached the age of qualifying for senior citizens discounts at movies and diners (although that is a nice perk, really), but I still have a tiny speck of the little girl that thought life was over when you turned 30.  I know it’s ridiculous, but you try growing up in a (almost) traditional Korean household.  “Amber, if you were living in Korea, you’d be married in your early 20s and you’d have at least 2-3 children by now.” 

Last night, Dawn, Lorna, Neil and I drove out to Black Star Canyon in the Santa Ana Mountains.  There are so many different stories about Black Star Canyon; ghosts, black figures, UFOs, satanic cults and rituals, and of course, Indian spirits.  We were all curious, so we decided to head walk around the area in the middle of the night. 

We arrived at the canyon around 9:00pm, parked our car at the side of the road, and started walking down the dirt path.  After about 10 minutes of walking, we saw a bright light ahead that made us stop in our tracks.  It turned out to be an elderly couple taking a walk and shining their flashlight ahead.  We walked a bit further, until Lorna started panicking, then started heading back.  When we were almost to the car, the elderly couple yelled out “Rawrrrrr!” and scared the bejesus out of Dawn and Lorna.  Neil and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m going to gradually have less fun as I get older.  Since I don’t have kids and there isn’t anyone else that I’m financially responsible for other than myself, it’s easy for me to go out and have spontaneous fun.  I can afford to make mistakes and be a little crazy and careless sometimes.  But is it time for me to give more serious consideration to my future and act accordingly? 

Every day, I’m reminded that I’m not getting any younger and I need to go through 
the ”normal” pattern of life… growing up, graduating college, finding a stable and rewarding career, marrying my true love, buying a home, having kids, retiring, etc etc etc.  God, it’s so predictable… and kinda stifling.

Is there really a magically progression to life that guarantees happiness?  If you follow the patterns and go through the sequence perfectly, does that mean you’ll eventually have your “happily ever after”?  Even though I know that we’re programmed into believing those things and having unrealistic expectations, I still struggle.  I’m constantly asking myself “Am I too late?”  “Is it too late?”.

I’m pretty satisfied with my life.  I get to have random adventures, and even though my life isn’t exactly conventional and it has it’s ups and downs, for the most part, it’s a happy and stable existence for me.  I guess it just nags at me that there might be something that I’m overlooking and/or missing out on.  And I’m afraid that I’m going to lose what I have right now.  It reminds me of a quote in a book that I read in high school that was recommended to me by an old friend:

“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever.  Your mind is your predicament.  It wants to be free of change.  Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death.  But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”  -Dan Millman, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior

Maybe I should re-read the book… meditate… learn about mindfulness, I don’t know.  But damn it, I need to enjoy every minute of my life and stop wasting time worrying!

Busy

I’ve been super busy lately… a new post will be coming soon!

Korean Festival 2009

Felicia and I decided to go the Korean Festival this year, since she was already going to be in K-Town for work and we’ve both never been.

When we were walking through the festival, it felt like I was at an outdoor market in Seoul.  I understood why my coworker answered “stuff” when I asked what kinds of things were being sold at the festival.  There was random shit EVERYWHERE; shoes, sandals, jewelry, lotion, makeup, ginseng, Chinese herbal medicine, juicers, anime merchandise on display next to air purifiers, clothes, blankets, Korean street food, Korean pickled food, Korean bbq, soju, beer, shampoo.  You name it, it was there. There were information booths, service booths, and even army recruiters.

Just as a joke, I turned to Felicia and said “I’m surprised they don’t have a plastic surgery information booth here”.  Lo and behold, liposuction/plastic surgery booth right around the corner!  On stage was a Korean Ajusshi singing bbong-jjak.  It reminded me of when I used to watch the late-night Korean music programs with my mom.

After we spent about an hour walking around and baking in the sun, we walked over to Olympic and Harvard and sat on the curb to wait for the parade.  We ended sitting right across the street from the Chinese restaurant my parents and I used to go to for all special occasions; birthdays, celebrations, graduations, etc.

The parade was pretty exciting.  I didn’t bring my camera, so I ended up taking pictures on my phone. There were floats, samul nori groups, politicians riding classic cars waving at the crowd, marching bands, cowboys, horseback riders, martial artists, and dancers.  The most interesting group in the parade was the Berendo Middle School.  It was their marching band in the front, their samul nori group right behind them, and Korean fan dancers of multiple ethnicities playing and dancing to Duke Ellington’s “Swing Swing Swing”.  I think that just about sums up the melting pot that is K-Town culture.

The samul-nori pictures are the only ones that are worth posting.  The rest of the pictures that I took are poorer quality.

WWATD

I’m erasing duplicate tracks on my ipod and it’s… taking… me… FOREVER!!!  My 160GB ipod has only 300MB left.  I’m loading on songs faster than I can erase the duplicates.  Margie had a great idea.  I could tape her ipod video to the back of mine and have an extra 8 gigs.  Hah.

I’ve been playing a lot of Art Tatum lately.  It’s been very therapeutic.  There’s a lot going on, so I’m a little more stressed than usual.  Listening to Art Tatum and jazz music in general has been helping.  Wow…. he is a GENIUS.  His improvisions are crazy!  I think I could get lost in them forever.

I love the isolation that music provides.  When I practice, it’s so easy to shut out everything else.  As soon as I sing a note, as soon as my hands hit the piano keys or strum the guitar, I forget about everything else.  I’m living 100% in the moment.  I’m not thinking about the past or the future and nothing in the world matters as much as what I’m doing in the present moment.  That’s one of the things that I missed the most when I was on hiatus.

When I’m listening to Art Tatum rip it up, it sounds so astonishingly honest and almost… private.  He opens up his heart to the world without any doubt or fear.  You can feel the raw emotion and intention of every note.  It’s truly incredible.  I wish I was around during his time.  I’m sure seeing him in live in concert would’ve been like witnessing an ongoing miracle.

It’s so easy to hide behind written notes.  I’ve become so dependent on written notes, that I forgot where I started my journey.  Before I learned how to read music, I was really listening.  I was stealing my dad’s musical instruments to play songs that I heard, or sneaking off during lunch time at church to play on the piano.  I was learning from my friends, without the aid of written notes or knowledge of theory on why music sounds pleasant, unpleasant, dissonant, harmonic… none of that.

Even though there’s a lot that I gained from learning to read and learning music theory, it started to feel more like reading and interpreting, rather than creating and feeling… which is where it all begins.  It’s important to be true to the composer and play what’s written… and it’s still expressive because you can make any piece your own, but sometimes, it’s so stifling.  I’ve been working on balancing both.  I spend part of the time interpreting what’s written and the rest of my time improvising and writing down ideas.  I’ve been a lot happier and it doesn’t feel so stuffy.  But I’m still very timid when it comes to jazz improvision.

So, my new motto is…. WWATD?  (What would Art Tatum do?)  And it seems to help when I say this to myself whenever I get shy about letting.  WWATD?  He’d tear shit up!

MTV

Growing up, there were certain TV programs and stations that my parents restricted me from watching:

-”Married With Children” – Well… for obvious reasons.
-Any TV show that starred African-Americans.  My parents were afraid I’d start talking ebonics.
-MTV was a no-no.  No to sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  And also because one of my friend’s parents in elementary told my mom that she watched a newborn baby being hung from their big toe on a commercial that MTV aired.  You can only imagine what my Korean mother thought of that.

Instead, I watched Nickelodeon, TV shows on regular local channels like “Three’s Company”, “Mr. Belvedere”, “Small Wonder”, “Family Ties”, “I Love Lucy” and of course I watched Nick at Nite religiously in the evenings until the wee hours of the morning since I was an insomniac.  Most of the TV shows that I watched were very white-suburbia wonderland shows.  The only show that didn’t fit into that category, but was considered “okay” by my parents was “The Simpsons”.  I think if there wasn’t a language barrier and they understood what was being said during the show, it DEFINITELY would have been in the banned list.

I’ve always had the tendency to overindulge, especially, if I feel like I’ve been deprived or denied.  I started watching MTV when my parents started their dry-cleaning business in Culver City.  I was HOOKED on “Real World London”, “Road Rules” and watching the latest hip hop videos.  I must have watched MTV for at least 3-4 hours every day for an entire year.  Even after I moved out of my parent’s house and into an apartment with Felicia and Natasha, endless hours of MTV followed.  Felicia always watched her Aaliyah and Nsync/Justin Timberlake music videos, and since my room was actually the den area right next to the living room, watching them with her was unavoidable.

Last year, I watched the VMAs with Felicia and Katie.  This year, I watched the VMAs with Felicia and Katie.  I see a tradition in the making.  The VMAs last year was okay… other than Eminem getting an ass to his face and Kristen Stewart chucking her award across the stage, it was fairly uneventful.  The musical performances weren’t very memorable.  It was much better this year.

At the beginning of the program, Janet Jackson did a tribute performance for her brother, Michael Jackson.  They incorporated the “Scream” video to her performance, which was pretty cool.  Madonna prepared a speech for his passing, which seemed more self-gratifying than anything else.  She spent half the time talking about herself, and her whole speech had no rhythm or flow.  Whoever prepared her speech should be fired.  If she prepared her own speech, she should fire herself.  How is that woman even relevant anymore?!

Lady Gaga’s performance was… interesting, to say the very least.  It sort of had a Victorian theme… in a creepy “Eyes Wide Shut” kind of way.  She ended up spewing out blood and suspended from the stage at the end of the performance.  To say that she was making a statement regarding the paparazzi would be a very gross understatement.  I think she made her message pretty loud and clear.  Speaking of statements, she won best new artist and at the closing of her acceptance speech she thanked god and the gays.  That was pretty awesome.  Eminem looked super uncomfortable on stage presenting the award.  Seriously, like a deer in headlights.

Beyonce’s performance of “Single Ladies”…. oh LORD.  As Felicia put it, “dancing neenees everywhere!!”.  I enjoyed watching it.  Pink’s performance was almost as crazy as Lady Gaga’s performance was weird.  There were other performances; Green Day, Muse, Taylor Swift, Kid Cudi, Jay-Z, All American Rejects.  But I have to say that the most talked about, twittered about, blogged about from this year’s VMA will not be any of the music performances.  It’s definitely going to be Kanye West’s little stunt during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for the best video by female artist award.  I guess if your music sucks, this is one way to get people to pay attention to you.

I think maybe I’ll shut off the TV for awhile, not that I watch much of it anyway.  God forbid I start following celebrities around and start blogging about it like Perez Hilton.  My life isn’t THAT boring, and I have enough adventures of my own.  It’s nice though to take a break once in awhile and think about meaningless things like MTV, pop culture, and celebrities acting a fool.

Be Here Now

My neighbor had guests over today and since my side of the common wall that we share has the Casio keyboard against it, I decided to postpone recording and posting the disco cover. Though the walls are pretty thick, I still feel sorry for my neighbor because I make so much noise.

Actually, I take that back.  I DON’T feel sorry for my neighbor.  She gets drunk with her super-loud friends past midnight and leaves her front door open so that everyone on our floor can hear her.

I started working on a cover of Ray LaMontagne’s “Be Here Now”.  You can hear my air-conditioner, my cats collar bell jingling, my cell phone beeping, cars speeding by, and sirens blaring on the recording.  It gives it a little… character.  Hah.  I set the microphone sensitivity to low and I haven’t installed any sound editors on my computer yet to make adjustments, so you’ll need to turn your speaker volume up to hear most of it.

Ray LaMontagne – Be Here Now (Cover)

Man Points

Margie and I have been competing against each other for the ultimate “Man” status.  Why is this important enough to mention and blog about?  Comparing the size of our heads is getting a little old (I obviously have a smaller head, so it’s just too easy a win for me), and it’s fun to compete against your friends and share it with the world!  It’s ESPECIALLY fun for me because she’s such a sensitive sucker! Easy, easy, it’s way too easy!

The reason I started this website is because I needed some sort of an outlet.  It gives me an opportunity to express myself in a safe space.  I don’t have to feel like I’m being judged or criticized, and I have a chance to be a little more transparent to people who perceive me as a cold-hearted asshole.  That is, people who are interested in even seeing past the exterior.  If they don’t like it or they’re not interested, they don’t have to visit this site.

But in the process of sharing my thoughts and feelings, it also gives Margie a perfect opportunity to deduct “man points” from my total.  I guess it’s only fair though.  I take away man points from her whenever she shows any emotion, vulnerability, and girliness.  But, I feel, my reasons for deducting her man points are more legitimate.  For Christ sake, she orders a rainbow slushy at the Angels game when everyone (including her girly girlfriend) orders a beer!  That should put her in the NEGATIVE!

Margie:  The guy said you’re carrying a purse!  Loss of man points!
Amber:  You ordered a Midori Sour?!?!? Loss of man points!
Margie:  You wear heels to work!  Loss of man points!
Amber:  You voluntarily wear eyeliner when we go clubbing!  Loss of man points!

I think the end to this “healthy” competition of ours is far from over.  But anyway, I’m actually enjoying writing in this blog as much as I enjoy fighting with Margie for “Man” status.  And besides, it’ll make my *inevitable* victory even sweeter because I have nothing to hide!  Yeah!  Belch!

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Head Over Feet

I meant to post the disco-cover of “Head Over Feet” yesterday, but I ended up passing out early.  I’ll probably get around to doing it at the end of the week when I have more time.  Plus, I still need to get a new webcam because the one that I have right now makes the video look really fuzzy.